Great leaders are ultimately defined by what they do — yet also by what they say: Inspiring, motivating, providing clarity and focus and instilling a genuine sense of mission and purpose…
Or not.
Here are things the best leaders never say:
“I hear what you’re saying, but…”
Say an employee comes to you with an idea to improve a process. She’s identified a problem and developed what she feels is a workable solution. You disagree, but you want to let her down easy; the last thing you want to do is squish her initiative.
So you try to let her down easy and say, “I hear what you’re saying, but we can’t take on that project.”
From your point of view you validated her ideas and protected her feelings.
From her point of view, you don’t understand: If you did, you would agree.Think about it: If you did understand what I was saying, you would agree. Because everything after “but” is BS.
Never try to hide a different opinion inside a theoretically warm and fuzzy fake agreement. If you disagree, say why, using data, facts, and logic.
And then listen to the response — because then you both could arrive at the perfect solution.
“This should only take…”
Using “only” as a minimizer is often used to convince or encourage. Like softening a request by saying, “Can you do this for me? It will only take you a minute or two.”
Importance is not always a matter of time, though: A task that takes five minutes may be more important than one that takes five hours.
Plus, asking employees to do something that “only” requires a certain amount of time or effort implies you have bigger and better things to do. And, when finished, that what they accomplished wasn’t particularly important or meaningful.
Neither of which makes people feel good about themselves.
Instead of encouraging through minimization, encourage through impact. Say why a task is important. Say why a task is meaningful. Say why a task benefits a customer, a supplier, an employee, etc.
Because every task is important, no matter how quick or easy to accomplish.
“I need you to calm down.”
Maybe the employee who just walked into your office to vent does need to calm down. But still: Saying “calm down” only serves to upset people more. And make them feel patronized.
Like they’re being too emotional. Or getting upset for no reason. Or that their feelings aren’t justified. None of which are soothing.
Instead, listen. Be empathetic. Nod in the right places. Never forget that validating another person’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with their feelings; it just means you understand they feel the way they feel.
Do that, and eventually people will calm themselves down.
And then you can work on helping them work through whatever caused them to get so upset.
“I actually agree with you.”
Genuine compliments leave you feeling good about yourself. Back-handed compliments leave you thinking, “Wait… what?”
Adding “actually” turns what a compliment into a slam, implying you’re surprised you would ever share the same opinion.
Maybe you are surprised you agree.
Doesn’t matter. Leave out the “actually.” The goal of praise is to reward and recognize… and also to encourage.
Something a back-handed compliment, however unintentional, will never do.
“At the end of the day…”
When I worked in manufacturing a boss often ended discussions by saying, “At the end of the day, we’re here to run books.”
It was his go-to move when he wanted something to go a certain way and couldn’t explain why. To him, it created closure. To us, it said, “I’m the boss and what I say goes.”
Which was certainly true — but didn’t help us understand why certain decisions were made.
Much less get behind them.
Authority is obviously conferred or assigned, but true authority is earned.
To help your employees understand why an idea makes sense, why a process should change, why a direction should be taken, always include the word “because.”
And then make sure you have a meaningful, compelling “because” to share.
Otherwise you’re dictating.
Not leading.
